Settling vs. Being Patient: How to Tell the Difference

Okay, so I need to have an honest conversation with you today. And I mean really honest — the kind of honest that makes you put your phone down, look up at the ceiling and think… “Wait. Is that me?” Because this topic? It hits differently depending on where you are in your journey. And I am not going to stand here and pretend I have never had to wrestle with this question myself. Because I have. More than once. More often that I want to adnit.

So let’s get into it…

The Question We Are Afraid To Ask

Here is what I notice happens a lot in our Christian circles: we love to tell each other to “just be patient” and “wait on God” and “your season is coming”. And while all of that is 100% true and I believe it with my whole heart… sometimes those well-meaning phrases can also become a shield we hide behind when we are actually doing something very different.

We are not waiting. We are settling. And the scary part? Sometimes we don’t even know which one we are doing. We have convinced ourselves so thoroughly that we are being patient… that we never stop to ask whether what we are holding onto is actually something God told us to hold onto or something we are just afraid to let go of.

That’s the conversation I want to have today.

So What Is Settling, Really?

Settling is not just about staying with someone who is “not good enough”. It is actually more nuanced than that and that is why it is so easy to miss.

Settling can look like: Staying in a situation that you already know in your spirit is not right… but you are holding on because the idea of starting over feels too heavy. It looks like lowering your standards, not because God convicted you that your standards were too high but because you are tired, you are lonely or the clock in your head is getting louder. It looks like excusing things you prayed you would never excuse and calling it growth when really it is just exhaustion wearing a spiritual disguise.

Here is the thing nobody really wants to say out loud: settling can feel like peace because at least the uncertainty is over.

When you settle, you stop wondering. You stop waiting. And for a person who is tired of the unknown, that can feel like relief. But relief is not the same as peace.

Now, What Is Patience?

Patience, on the other hand, is active. I want you to hear that clearly because a lot of us think waiting on God means we sit down somewhere and do absolutely nothing until our person shows up at the door with a ring and a bouquet 😂

That is not waiting. That is wishful thinking!!

Biblical patience is not passive… it is purposeful. It is like the Proverbs 31 woman who is building, growing and becoming while she trusts God with the outcome. It is the person who is doing the inner healing, getting clear on who they are and what they carry — all while trusting that God’s timing is not slow, it is strategic.

Patience says: “I don’t have what I want yet, but I trust the One who holds it”

Settling says: “I am okay with what I have and make it work (even if its not what I wanted)”

Do you feel the difference?

Let’s Get Personal For a Second

I’ll be honest with you… I have been in situations where I genuinely could not tell which one I was doing. I was in something comfortable and not bad per se… but deep down, I knew I was not fully at peace. I knew something was off. I just didn’t want to admit it because admitting it meant disruption. And disruption is uncomfortable.

I can think of my last two relationships; somewhere deep down, I wanted this to be it. I was over the idea of having to get to know someone new and tired of being asked what is my favorite color … and I was ready to be boo’ed up! They were really cool guys – maybe we could have even worked out (maybeeeee). But, something in me just knew it wasn’t it and something in me knew I was settling, so I had to have faith to believe the right God-ordained love will one day find me. And now, in my current courtship, whew chile I am sooo glad I waited on God.

What I have learned is that God usually speaks before we’re ready to listen. There is often a nudge — a quiet knowing that something isn’t aligned. And what we do with that nudge determines whether we are walking in patience or sliding into settling.

Here Are a Few Ways to Tell the Difference

Because I know someone reading this right now needs something practical. So let me give you a few honest questions to sit with:

1. Is there peace or just silence? Peace is not just the absence of conflict. If things are “fine” but your spirit is unsettled every time you get quiet, that silence is not peace. It is suppression *cover eyes*

2. Are you holding on in faith or operating in fear? Faith trusts God even when it doesn’t make sense. Fear holds on to what’s familiar because the unknown feels too risky. Ask yourself honestly: Why am I still here? Am I afraid of what leaving looks like?

3. Did God confirm it or did you? This one is real 😩 Because we are very good at confirming things for ourselves when we want something badly enough. We find the scriptures that support what we are already leaning toward. We “feel led” in the direction of our feelings. I have been there. But there is a difference between what God confirms and what we simply prefer. This may be where you ask yourself – am I really willing to let this go?

4. Are you becoming or are you shrinking? Healthy patience produces growth. If the situation you are in is making you smaller and quieter about your dreams, more disconnected from your purpose, less like who God has been forming you to be — that is not a waiting season. That is a warning sign!!

5. Is your standard shifting because of conviction or compromise? Sometimes God does shift our perspective and correct things in our hearts that need correcting. If your standards are dropping and you cannot point to a moment of genuine conviction that changed your view… it might not be growth. It might be that you just give-up on better.

What the Word Says

The Bible is so clear on this and I don’t want to gloss over it.

Isaiah 40:31 says “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

Notice what waiting on the Lord produces: renewed strength. Not resignation. Not exhaustion. Not shrinking. Strength. If what you are calling “patience” is draining you and causing you to settle for less of who God says you are… something in that equation needs to be examined.

Proverbs 19:2 reminds us: “It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way.”

Patience is not about being hasty in one direction or the other. It is about moving or staying with discernment, not from desperation.

A Word For Where You Are

If you are in a season of waiting right now, I want to encourage you to trust God has a matchmaker. I know how hard it is and how loud the noise gets. I know what it feels like to watch it seem like everyone around you is moving forward while you are still holding on to a prayer you’ve prayed a hundred times or a promise you’ve heard many times.

But I also know this: what God has for you will not require you to abandon what He already built in you.

You will not have to shrink your values to receive it. You will not have to talk yourself into it. You will not have to silence the part of your spirit that keeps raising a question. What God has for you will carry peace with it, not because it will be without challenge, but because it will be in alignment.

So before you call it patience, check in with yourself. Check in with God. And be honest, really, truly honest about which one you are actually doing. Because the goal is not just to end the wait. The goal is to end it well.