5 Things Premarital Counseling Taught Me About Marriage

The Seed Was Planted Long Before I Said Yes

I got saved in a church where family was one of the core values. For years, I sat under the teachings of Pastor Bolt, listening to messages about marriage, family, relationships and God’s design for the home. Looking back, I realize those sermons were planting seeds long before I was ready for marriage.

My best friend Dez also played a role in convincing me. She would rave about her premarital counseling experience with Pastor Bolt. She and her husband had been together since they were 18 years old and when they decided to get married in their late twenties, they went to him for counseling.

At the time, neither of them was saved. But through that process and the impact Pastor Bolt had on their lives, both of them gave their lives to Christ. Today, they are committed believers and her husband is even a deacon. Watch God!! 

We always joke that Pastor Bolt must know something about marriage because this August he and his wife will celebrate 50 years of marriage and somehow they are still as lovey-dovey as newlyweds. Honestly, it’s quite adorable.

When the Man Did Arrive…

When my fiancé and I began discussing marriage, we very naturally fell into a conversation about counseling. And we both agreed, we would do two. One with our present pastor, Pastor Tucker, because he is our immediate shepherd. And one with Pastor Bolt, because I had been holding onto that vision for over a decade and Omar fully supported it.

Trust me, I’ve met Christian men who told me they didn’t believe in premarital counseling because “nobody’s marriage is perfect” and “what can anyone teach me?” That’s an immediate red flag because that level of pride is dangerous. A teachable spirit is one of the qualities I value most because none of us know everything. Also, humility is the beginning of wisdom. And the willingness to say I don’t know everything and I want to learn is one of the most attractive things a man can bring into a relationship. 

Moving on…..

How Do You Do Two Premarital Counselings?

Many people have asked us how we manage two premarital counseling programs. My response? I’m not sure why it’s expected to be hard.

For us, it was simple. We are both committed to having a successful marriage. Not just a good wedding or just a happy honeymoon. We desire a thriving, God-centered, purposeful marriage … and if that means ten premarital sessions, we would do ten. Because we are both humble enough to admit that based on our individual relationship histories… we do not have the fullest understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like 😂

What I love is that both pastors have completely different approaches…

Pastor Tucker is very Spirit-led and free-flowing. We will go into a session without a set agenda and somehow Pastor will begin talking about something that was literally on our minds that week… something we had discussed privately and Omar and I will look at each other like… how does he know that? One Holy Spirit 🙏🏽

Omar loves this approach. He thrives in that kind of atmosphere. And I appreciate it too, even though I am very much a structured person.

Which is why Pastor Bolt is my happy place…  He has notes and gives homework. We show up prepared and have so much things to discuss. And Omar, bless him, actually loves both… he says the information from each session complements the other, even when the delivery styles are different.

Over the past several months we’ve discussed topics like communication, expectations, finances, conflict, family dynamics and God’s purpose for marriage. We still have one more session before the wedding—the infamous sex talk. Let’s just say my married friends have been warning me. I’ll come back and write a separate blog about that one.

Here are five lessons premarital counseling has taught me about marriage: 

1. Marriage Is a Covenant, Not Just a Commitment

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that marriage is much deeper than feelings and just a commitment. A commitment is something you make. A covenant is something you are bound to .. before God and before witnesses. When you understand that you are entering a covenant and not just a long-term relationship, you approach everything differently. You don’t run at the first sign of difficulty. You don’t let feelings dictate whether you stay. You don’t treat marriage like a subscription you can cancel when it is no longer convenient.

A covenant means: I am in this because God is in this and I am not getting out just because it got hard. That understanding will not come from feelings alone. It will come from a solid foundation and premarital counseling helped us build that foundation before we ever got to the altar.

2. Expectations Need to Be Discussed, Not Assumed

One thing counseling quickly revealed is that every person enters marriage with expectations. The problem is many of those expectations are never communicated.

Premarital counseling creates a space where those unspoken things have to come to the surface. What do you expect in terms of roles in the home? How do you envision managing money? What does a healthy conflict look like to you? What are your expectations around intimacy, parenting, friendship?

These conversations are not always comfortable. But they are absolutely necessary. Because I would much rather be a little uncomfortable in a counseling session than blindsided in year two of my marriage. Never assume your partner just knows. Learn to say it clearly and give them the grace to be honest with you too.

3. Communication Is More Than Talking

Before counseling, I probably would have said communication means expressing yourself clearly. Now I realize it’s much bigger than that.

It is not just about being able to talk. It is about being able to express what you actually feel even when what you feel is messy or inconvenient. It is about listening to understand, not listening to respond. It is about choosing the right time and the right tone and knowing that both matter just as much as the words you actually say.

One of the greatest gifts premarital counseling gave us is shared way for how we communicate. We are learning each other’s styles, triggers, tendencies and what it means to communicate in a way the other person can actually receive. And I have to be working on my body language (LOL)!! 

4. Marriage Requires Selflessness and Servanthood

It sounds beautiful to say “marriage is about serving each other”.  But then you get into the specifics like what about when you are tired? What about when you are frustrated and you feel like your way is honestly just better? What about when you do not feel like it and yet it is still required of you? That is where the rubber meets the road.

Premarital counseling has reminded me that healthy marriages are not built by two people fighting to win. They are built by two people who have made a decision to serve — to love, support and honour each other even in the moments when it costs something. That requires a level of humility that does not come naturally. It is something you have to choose to do daily. 

I think that is one of the most beautiful and most difficult things about marriage … that it will consistently ask more of you than you feel ready to give. And you give it anyway, because that is what love actually looks like when feelings alone are not enough to carry you. Pastor Bolt says “love is a verb”. 

5. A Strong Marriage Doesn’t Happen by Accident

This might be the lesson that ties everything together.

The marriages I admire…  the ones I look at and genuinely think that is what I would want…  did not get there by accident. The Bolts did not make it to 50 years of marriage by just hoping for the best. Pastor Junior and Pastor Trudy Tucker after 30 years are still working on their marriage daily.  Dez and her husband did not build what they have by winging it. Those marriages were worked for and worked on by both people. These couples are choosing each other over and over again, even when it gets hard.

This is exactly what Omar and I are choosing to do … starting now, before we even get to the altar. Not because we think our marriage will be without challenges. We are very realistic. Life will happen and hard seasons will come. We know we are two imperfect people who love God and love each other and are still very much in the process of growing (somebody say santification…whew). But we want to give this marriage the strongest possible foundation. We want to go in equipped, informed and intentional… not naive or blindsided. 

Premarital counseling has been one of the greatest investments we have made in our future together. Every conversation, every assignment, every question that made us shift in our seats a little and it has all been worth it. Because we are not just preparing for a wedding. We are preparing for a marriage. And that is the part that matters most 🤍

Before I Close…

Premarital counseling is not just for couples who have “issues.” It is for couples who are serious. It is for people who understand that marriage is one of the most significant assignments God will place in your hands and that you do not walk into an assignment unprepared.

I am grateful for our pastors. I am grateful for Omar’s willingness to sit in those chairs with me week after week and do the work. I am grateful that this was never up for debate between us.

If you are in a relationship that is heading toward marriage, I want to gently encourage you: go invest in good pre-martial counseling. Don’t skip it or don’t rush it. Don’t let pride or inconvenience talk you out of one of the most important investments you will ever make in your future. And if the man you are with says he doesn’t see the point in it?

Well… you read the blog 😌