I want to start by thanking everyone who took the time to not only read my first-ever blog:-); but also went the extra mile by giving me much-appreciated feedback. I am truly grateful.
So, I’ll jump right into this week’s topic: dating, fatherhood and navigating both.
Currently, I’m the proud father of two beautiful girls, and when I get married this summer, that pride will extend to a third baby girl through my spouse’s only child and that’s something I’m genuinely looking forward to. I’ve always loved children, so much so that most of my nieces and nephews saw me as a father figure long before I had children of my own.
For as the Scripture says, “Children are a gift from God” and that’s not something I take for granted. I’ve always been very aware that children should be appreciated and cared for as a blessing that not everyone is afforded.
That being said, I’ve always tried to consider how my dating life would affect my kids, especially since, a few years back, one of my two daughters started living with me full-time. To me, that meant my actions were being observed and my patterns absorbed. I was now indirectly teaching my daughter what to expect from men, whether I liked it or not.
This being my reality, I have to make sure my actions don’t contribute to any future dysfunction and that includes the way I handle my love life.
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Your Partner Doesn’t Just Impact You
In all honesty, for most of my parenthood, I was a lukewarm Christian and that meant I was dating as our culture dictates, resulting in quite a few casual relationships while also ending up in a couple of long-term ones.
In case you don’t realise… Kids notice everythingggg.
I remember leaving church with my kids and, on our way toward the car park, one of my girls randomly said: “I really like Aunty Crystal. I would’ve been very disappointed if you didn’t marry her.”
A cute confirmation of something I already knew, but it was nice to hear it out loud (my kids are very expressive.. lol).
So, in choosing a partner, one of the questions I’ve always asked myself is: “Would I be comfortable with this person being a role model for my kids?” especially since I have girls. And if the answer was no, you don’t even get the chance to meet them.
That’s probably one reason many people thought I was just too picky and would probably never find my wife. But God is good. He is faithful, even in what He withholds.
Whenever someone asked, “Why aren’t you married?” I would jokingly reply: “Not yet, but auditions are going well. Have some good finalists this season…” (funny…not funny)!
The truth is, who we end up with will undoubtedly affect our children. And while it was never my experience, I’ve heard too many adults admit how negatively a step-parent affected their lives and influenced their bad decisions.
So, I made it a priority to ensure the person I chose shares my core values and standards and that is non-negotiable.
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Don’t Send Kids to Unnecessary Funerals
Separation grief is a heavy burden at any age. As adults, we can grieve the loss of a relationship for months, even years. Breaking emotional bonds can be devastating, even more so for kids because they have yet to develop the so-called “realistic expectations” we adults have.
My kids are nurtured in such a loving way that it’s very easy for them to become attached to anyone who treats them nicely.
Matthew 18:3 – “Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven”
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, uttered those words because children possess an unmatched level of humility, honesty, purity, and unconditional love that must be protected.
In light of this, I made a rule: In order to meet my kids, it first had to be established that our relationship was exclusive, committed and heading toward the long term.
This was my attempt to safeguard my children from the pain of separation and prevent them from becoming adults who struggle with abandonment issues. No exceptions.
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Time Is Your Enemy
Let’s face it... dating and getting to know someone takes time and effort. And if you have kids, as I do, quality time with them can be drastically affected if you’re not intentional about it.
For me, it’s a delicate balancing act between work, church, studies, my love life and daddy duties. However, I must keep in mind that my children are my legacy and not just copies of my DNA.
I’m not saying there won’t be times when I make sacrifices for other areas of my life, but when it’s time to be present for my kids, I do it without apology or any hint of resentment because the memories we make together are priceless. I believe one day, my children won’t remember every bill I paid or every hour I worked. What they’ll remember is whether I was present. They’ll remember the conversations, the laughter, the road trips, the lessons and the moments when they felt loved.
I attended a conference recently where the keynote speaker—the CEO of a major local company said this: “There is no such thing as work/life balance. You just have to be intentional about the time you spend with your family”. And that’s something I believe wholeheartedly.
To that end, I must say I feel incredibly blessed that my fiancée is someone who genuinely cares about the time I spend with my kids and sees them as added blessings, not as romantic inconveniences.
My Takeaways
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Your Actions Must Align With Your Words
Kids see everything and they will reflect what their environment shows them. So, make sure you approach dating with this in mind.
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It’s Their Future Too
Who you choose will influence who they become. So, in making that choice, ensure your potential partner will add value and positivity to their lives because they’re innocent bystanders in your romantic endeavours.
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Safety Isn’t Just Locks and Curfews
We also have to keep our children emotionally safe. That means being cautious about who we introduce into their world and making sure they are not left scarred from constantly breaking attachments.
Final Thoughts
Marriage is God’s design and it’s clear to see that part of that design involves safeguarding our offspring and considering how our relationships affect them.
So, for your children’s sake, I implore you: don’t compromise on the type of person you choose to spend your life with. The implications are serious and far-reaching.
Psalm 127:3-5 – “Children are a heritage from the LORD, and the fruit of the womb is His reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man, so are the children of one’s youth”.
Thank you again, Ms. Daye, for allowing me to share on your platform.
Remember, God is love and you are His most beloved creation… Act accordingly!!!
— O.B.T
