Like any other human being, I must confess, I do not like a hardship. I do not take pleasure in having to endure difficult situations, especially when it appears to be without a purpose and completely meaningless. I am one of those who think Paul was being a little bit absurd when he called our troubles “light afflictions;” (2 Corinthians 4:17) and when 1 Peter 4: 12-13 exhorts to think that trials are not actually strange occurrences according to God’s standard.
Take marriages for example, along with so many others, I am definitely one of those persons who thought “happily ever after” was a guarantee in marriage. All the more so if you are a Christian and you have received instructions from God, and endorsement from your leaders that this is “the one.”
This is the space where you have a constant shoulder to lean on, someone to share your dreams, where your money is safe and your children grow up, because of your example, with a perfect image of the individual roles of each parent. Marriage, most times for those not yet married, is usually viewed as being so magical to the extent that when persons are instructed to repeat “in sickness or in health, till death do us part,” it is excitedly belted out without reservation. It was not until one Sunday morning that I actually had what started as a rude awakening when reality gave me a hard kick in the face.
My husband and I had gotten up bright and early one Sunday morning to prepare for church. We had been married for only a few weeks before I had found out that I became pregnant immediately upon marriage. I was deeply disappointed, angry and frustrated coupled with all the resulting hormones as a pregnancy at that time was a great inconvenience with all the plans I had. My husband not understanding all of this became equally frustrated and our fights were constant.
That day we argued all the way to church and as he dropped me off, I slammed the car door as I got my last words in. Upon entering the building a church sister approached asking what was wrong and I recounted the morning’s events and promptly told her that I wanted a divorce. She found this very funny and began telling me of her and her husband’s many run-ins over the years, and that it was natural to have conflicts. I was blown away as I thought that this was something unique to me and that once there were issues then it simply meant that you were not meant to be together.
I know that at some time or another all couples will have arguments in their marriage, as my grandmother used to say in response to such, “teeth and tongue must meet.” For some women, though it is beyond teeth and tongue meeting, more like the teeth completely biting off the tongue. The kind of relationship that leaves you drained, depressed, dejected, alone and hopeless. The kind of marriage that when you seek counsel all you are advised to do is “pray” and “have faith,” because no one can truly relate to what you are going through. It leaves you beginning to question not only your sanity but whether or not you and those who brought “confirmation” had actually heard from God at all.
Many of us have over the years faced challenges in our marriages from our husbands being constantly late to incidences of infidelity and intimate partner violence. I have had the opportunity of speaking with several women who have reached out to me with a myriad of situations; women who have been physically abused, women who have experienced witchcraft from the “other woman,” women whose finances totally dried up from coming into the marital home, and even women who found out that their husbands were involved with other men and as mind blowing as it may seem, stayed.
Over the years it has become less easy to advise them to “just walk away.” As a matter of fact, I’m far more cautious in just dishing out counsel than I was in earlier days without first asking the question, “what has God advised you concerning your marriage?”
Am I here telling YOU to stay? Absolutely not!
But I can tell you that God does not always bail us out of difficult situations, marriage being no exception. As a matter of fact, he tells us that what we face in these situations is “common to man…” and that the “escape” that He provides is the capacity to “bear it.” (1 Corinthians 10: 13)
Whilst I understand your plight and I deeply feel your pain I want to leave three things with you today.
– YOUR MARRIAGE IS NOT JUST FOR YOU. When I witness the seeming daily increase in same-sex relationships, and by extension, marriages, I realize that the responsibility that I had was not just to make my marriage work but to allow God to position me in such a way that not only those on the outside but especially my children, on the inside, see that God’s intent for marriages still stands.
Not only is this the case but generational patterns of “shacking up” and having multiple sexual patterns, leaving a trail of brokenness behind, are not an acceptable legacy for a believer to leave behind.
The Bible dubs us “ambassadors” (2 Corinthians 5:20) of God’s kingdom and exhorts us to “let (our) lights …shine” (Matthew 5:16) as a result we have to be very careful of the example we set as believers. It is through us that persons will understand that marriage still works, that it is still “honorable” (Hebrews 13:4), “two are better than one” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12), “three-fold cord cannot be broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12), and He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). We, therefore, have to be careful to not prematurely make moves that we may later regret.
– GOD IS INTENTIONAL IN HIS DEALINGS WITH YOU. I Am however saying to you that the Lord is very specific and intentional in His dealings with men and more specifically, with you. Jeremiah 29:11 lets us know that God has clear cut specific plans for each of our lives. This is displayed in how He dealt with the prophet Hosea, by not only instructing him to marry and remain with his fornicating, prostituting wife but to reclaim her and actively be intimate with her after known infidelity in marriage. As I progress in marriage and be more exposed to the marital issues of others, I am recognizing that God does not always allow us to bail, which is why despite our challenges we have to stay tuned to hearing the specifics from God for our lives. God’s unique approach to us all is evident in how he related to the fathers of old and how Jesus dealt with each disciple in a unique way to the extent when Peter questioned Him concerning John’s fate He basically told him, “none of your business” (John 21:21 paraphrase).
– GOD STILL LOVES YOU. If we are brutally honest one of the things that we have a tendency to do when faced with hardship, is the question the love of God for us. Just recently when faced with a situation in my marriage I was crying out to the Lord and He reminded me of His promise in Isaiah 43:2 that no what the elements are come against us, He will preserve us. Despite how hard it gets we have to remind ourselves that His plans for us are for good (Jeremiah 29:11) and that He has promised to perfect the things that concern us (Psalm 138:8). The presence of a stormy season in your marriage is not an indicator of a lack of God’s love and concern for you; as a matter of fact He said in 1 Peter 5:7, “casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”
My friend, I agree that it gets really very difficult not to question God’s integrity amidst life’s challenges and many times they may lead to feelings of defeat and frustration, however as the eminent challenges arise and continue to prevail, it is pivotal that you stay steadfast, continuously holding before you God’s promise to you for your life, family and marriage.
I hope these three reminders help you as they helped me.
I recently watched an interview of Priscilla Shirer by Sarah Jakes-Roberts called “Divine Disruptions,” I found it quite insightful and encouraging, you can check it out.
Remember now to keep on Manipulating Your Pain for Purpose and Shake Those Labels and Live Your Fantasy.
Nicole Kenwood-Brown is Ian’s wife and mother of Kristoff, Gabrielle, Azayleah, Amorie and A’Layra. She is a Medical Transcriptionist, ordained Minister, Women’s Worth Strategist, trained Counselor, Empowerment Coach and Transformational Speaker. She holds a diploma in Radiography, a diploma in Biblical & Pastoral Studies, and a Bsc in Biblical Studies. Freedom from negative stereotypes and limiting beliefs led to her establishing THE PAIN FOR PURPOSE MOVEMENT and writing her first book SHAKE THOSE LABELS AND LIVE YOUR FANTASY. Nicole loves to cuddle up with a good book and a glass of wine while listening to worship music.
Get a copy of the book at Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Shake-Those-Labels-Live-Fantasy/dp/194934388X