When Love Is Not Enough….By O. Tucker

Let me start out by saying love is a beautiful and necessary component of any relationship and we are blessed just to be able to give and receive it. See 1 Corinthians 13:1-3.

However, as the title of this blog states, it’s just not enough to sustain a real long-term union, Christian or otherwise. See, you can always love someone, but can you truly accept them for who they are? Can you embrace their imperfections? Can you give grace when it’s easier to judge?

Don’t get me wrong, having standards is a must, and everyone has deal breakers, but you have to decide if the person is worth the effort, and you can’t allow butterflies, looks or loneliness to make that decision for you.

My spouse and I were recently having one of our usual very candid conversations, prompted by a book about marriage that we’re currently reading together, where we admitted that both of us at one point were dating other people and even told them we loved them and meant it sincerely. However, when things got difficult or they didn’t live up to our expectations, we parted ways for one reason or another. That revelation underscored the harsh reality that love alone is just not enough. This conclusion was again made clear as we go through our premarital counseling, where the common theme is “Covenant above all else.”

Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? Yea, I thought so too at first. That is, until our counselor, Pastor Bolt said, “In my experience, couples I’ve sat with will readily admit they still love each other but decide they can no longer live with each other.”

So the following will be a mixture of opinions, sermons, scripture and advice I’ve gotten over the span of several years, but more so in the past year… so take it all with a grain of salt.

Foundation Is Key

“The wise man builds his house upon the rock”. Think of a relationship as building a house. Without a firm foundation, everything else eventually falls apart. And for me, that foundation starts with shared core values such as faith, honesty, humility, kindness, friendship and respect. Without these pillars firmly in place, a relationship will crumble under the weight of life and its sometimes extremely heavy circumstances.

These, for me are the non-negotiables, the deal breakers or so-called red flags if they are lacking. In the past, I’ve had to learn the hard way that if you overlook these values and focus on just feelings and vibes, they will come back to haunt you in a big way.

Alignment Is Not Optional

Before walking in Christ, my idea of alignment was simply shared goals, morals and lots of romance… lol… But after being blessed with a little more wisdom, I’ve come to understand that alignment is so much more. For starters, in a godly relationship, it’s important for us not to be unequally yoked because, while there are rare cases where this works out, most times it ends up being a slow march toward conflict and eventually destruction.

I should also mention that two people can be equally yoked but still not aligned. Yup, that’s very possible. My spouse and I have this running joke/theory that people, including ourselves, can be “Faith-ist”… (private joke). By that, we mean Christians can discriminate against other Christians based on their doctrines and denominations, which ultimately means you and this person will find it very hard to walk as one. But honestly, our faith is just one of the ways in which we need to be aligned.

A few days after I decided I wanted us to try courting, my now-fiancée and I met up on a bench in the park and I presented her with a list for us to discuss that included finances, lifestyle, children, ambitions, etc. This was to determine if we could actually fit into each other’s lives in a practical way and we weren’t just being led by feelings and optimism. This was a first for both of us, but it was an appreciated difference.

Character Is the Proof

The character of the Lord wasn’t just shown in preaching and parables but in the action of His sacrifice. Saying the words “I love you” and “I care about you” are easy. Demonstrating that in real time is a whole different thing.

1 Peter 5:8: “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”

This scripture may sound a bit dramatic in the context of a relationship, but it really isn’t. How many times have you heard a man or a woman say they were tricked or played? That’s because a person can spin lovely tales of what they will and won’t do, but we have to examine: Do their words match their actions? And not just presently, but past actions too. Can someone who isn’t attached to them vouch for their character and consistency?

I will agree it’s not easy to determine and it will take some wisdom, discernment and tough conversations, but trust me, you owe it to yourself to be sure.

Acceptance Is Key

After you’ve determined that you and this person share core values, you have to now ask yourself: Can I fully accept this person for who they are? One of the main things I had to learn on my journey toward courtship and now marriage was that everyone has different ways of doing things based on their upbringing, experiences and emotional state. That’s just something I had to accept because I had a nasty habit of trying to fix people and would do everything in my power to convince them to see things my way… sigh… yup, my pride was rampant.

Case in point: There is a particular route my fiancée takes when driving to church and it annoys me to my core because I simply believe my route is way shorter and much more efficient. The version of me that existed a few years ago would nag her to death every time she took her route, but instead my growth has led me to accept that’s just her way and she’s allowed to have her own ways as long as they’re not destructive. Because truthfully, there are habits and beliefs that I have that my spouse thinks make absolutely no sense whatsoever… but she affords me the space to be me and I have to do the same.

Stay Dull or Let Iron Sharpen Iron

A beautiful thing in relationships is being able to embrace each other’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s cliché, but teamwork really makes the dream work and appreciating the value the other person adds while accepting their shortcomings is vital to a prosperous relationship.

The first time I met Crystal in person, I watched her sweep her office about three times, which in my mind meant she was just extremely clean and domestically inclined. But she later admitted the reason for sweeping so many times was because she simply wasn’t good at it… (LOL!!) … Butttt… ask her to plan an event of almost any magnitude and she will execute flawlessly with a detailed outline for every single step of the way.

On the flip side of that: The first time I went out with my fiancée, I told her upfront that I’m directionally challenged… which means I will get lost very easily without clear directions. However, hand me a set of tools and I can build or fix almost anything… (I’m Bob the Builder in real life). 

How May I Be of Service?

Every single time you mention a Christian marriage or relationship, the first thing that comes up is submission of the woman and that word submission has gotten such a negative connotation in today’s world.

So let me set the record straight… Yes, the scripture says a woman should submit to her husband as the head of the family. However, it also says, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” and goes on to give a long list of things a husband should do for his wife also.

There’s even scripture that makes it clear that mistreating your wife can hinder your prayers (1 Peter 3:7).  So ladies, don’t let that word scare you. It comes with conditions because God’s wisdom is infinite.

So no, I don’t plan to rule over my wife as some lesser being. I see my partner as a blessing and someone whose thoughts and opinions matter just as much as mine.

One of the recurring themes in every book we’ve read about marriage, and also our ongoing premarital counseling, is that a relationship is made beautiful by two servants trying to out serve each other. It is clear that one of the ways to foster a lasting relationship is to have an attitude of servitude and selflessness.

So if you have yet to develop this mindset, I suggest you start before even thinking about getting into a relationship.

My Takeaways

1. Ask the Tough Questions

Too many times we dive headfirst into relationships without having uncomfortable conversations because sometimes we’re afraid the answers might stop us in our tracks and derail our ongoing fairytale. But this is delusional because eventually that comes back to haunt us and is more damaging after we’ve invested emotionally and otherwise into this person. We even sometimes say we were fooled when, in fact, we knowingly avoided the truth to forego its possible inconvenience.

2. Show Up as the Real You

You can’t build a strong foundation with fake materials. Allow the other person to see you as you really are. Drop the act and the polished demeanor so they can make an informed decision as to whether or not you fit into their life.

I can’t express enough how much I appreciated that my fiancée showed me all sides of her from the start: the minister, the writer, the speaker, the boss, the mother, the joker, the romantic, the fashionista, etc. And I tried my best to do the same because I wanted something long and lasting.

Look, as I said at the beginning, love is a beautiful thing and it is essential in any relationship. But to sustain it, we must face the fact that more is required because we are all just imperfect people trying to navigate the complexities of life.

While there’s no perfect formula, a good place to start is with God, wisdom and humility. So, I encourage you: take a moment today to reflect on your own relationship. Have the tough conversations, embrace authenticity and let love be your starting point—but let character, alignment and service be your firm foundation.

Thank you again, Ms. Daye, for allowing me to share on your platform.

Remember, God is love and you are His most beloved creation… Act accordingly!!!