Navigating Dating As A Single Mom

It Wasn’t The Plan

I became a single mother the moment I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t something I desired. I was younger, I thought I was in love and I held on to the hope that somehow things would work out differently. But life had other plans! I’ve had to make peace with that, grow through it and, more importantly, trust God through my parenting journey.

What I will say, though— Christelle and I have never lacked community. My family has shown up for me consistently. My church community, my friends, the people God strategically placed around me. At Christelle’s christening, there were over 20 friends in attendance. That moment was a reminder that God had already surrounded us with love, even when the picture didn’t look the way I had imagined.

But I would be lying to you if I said community fills every gap.

The reality is, no friend, no family member, no amount of support can replace the role of a father in a child’s life. I know that as someone who grew up with an active father.  For years, I struggled with feelings of guilt and even shame about not having her father around.  So, I prayed about that specific area, hoping I would get married when she was younger, so she would have a present male figure. There were moments of anger and frustration, even sadness. But I kept trusting God and I waited… and I am truly grateful that her relationship with her father has gotten far better now. To God be the glory.

So What Does Dating Look Like When You’re a Single Mom?

Here’s where I want to get real with you… 

When you are a single mother and you begin to think about dating, everything shifts. Because it is no longer just about you. The stakes are higher, the questions are deeper and your discernment has to be sharper.

I knew that the man God would send for me to marry would also need to understand—from day one—that loving me means being willing to step into fatherhood. Not just being okay with the fact that I have a child, but genuinely embracing that call. Because Christelle needed more than a man who “doesn’t mind kids.” She needed someone who would show up for her. That changes everything about how you date. I had to be more intentional. 

Did I Do It “Right”? Honestly…

I don’t know. And I think that’s the most honest thing I can say. I don’t have a perfect 5-step formula for how to date as a single mom. I wasn’t always sure I was making the right call. There were moments I second-guessed myself. Moments, I wondered if I was being too guarded or not guarded enough. Moments where I asked God, “Is this right? Am I moving too fast? Am I overthinking?”

What I can say is this: I always tried to be considerate of Christelle… Every decision I made in dating, I ran it through that filter. How does this affect her? Is this person safe for my child to be around? Am I bringing someone into her world who will add to it or disrupt it?

A child is always watching and a single mom who is dating has to carry that awareness—not in a way that paralyzes you from ever opening your heart again, but in a way that makes you prayerful and careful with who gets access to your home, your heart and your child.

Now here’s the funny thing about all of that careful thinking I did… Christelle was not nearly as stressed about it as I was 😂

She is honestly not a fussy child at all. She seemed pretty open to most of the guys I dated over the years. When she was younger, she was more friendly and didn’t need much convincing to like someone. Now that she’s a teenager? She is very nonchalant about the whole thing of me dating or getting married. Her signature response is something along the lines of “if that person makes you happy, I’m okay.” Very unbothered. Very teenager. Then, every now and then, she reminds me that she wants a little sister… smh! 

I don’t know if that means I did a great job of protecting her from the wrong people, or if she is simply the most easygoing child God could have blessed me with—probably both, honestly. But either way, I’ll take it as a small confirmation that I wasn’t completely off track in how I navigated my dating season.

 

A Few Things I Learned Along The Way

I’m not here to write a rulebook because clearly every child and every situation is different. But I will share a few things that became important to me personally:

1. Rushing to introduce her to every man who expressed interest was never an option: –  Not every man I talked to or got to know needed to meet Christelle. I am honestly pretty transparent with her, but I also wanted to protect my witness as a Christian woman.  She was not a test run for someone who was still figuring out what they wanted. Even if she had been fine either way, I had to be sure this was something worth pursuing.
2. I had to deal with my own heart issues:-  You cannot pour into a relationship from a broken place and expect it to be whole. Some of my hardest work in this season wasn’t about finding the right person, it was becoming the right version of myself – as healed as I could be. 
3. Prayer was not optional in picking who I marry:-  I needed discernment on a level that went beyond just whether I liked someone. I needed to know: Is this God-ordained? Is this safe for my family? And I had to be willing to walk away when the answer was NO, even when it was hard.
4. The right man would understand his assignment as a father:-  I didn’t need to convince anyone to be a father figure. He had to understand and know that she was not just ‘there’ as my daughter, but he had to be a godly father to her. I believed the right person would see the responsibility and still choose it not reluctantly, but with love and intention.
5. Don’t keep score with your child’s emotions: – Here’s something I had to learn,  just because your child seems okay does not mean you can become careless. And just because they are not outwardly bothered does not mean their hearts aren’t taking note of everything. Christelle’s easygoing nature was a grace, not a green light to be reckless. I still had to be the adult in the room who was thinking long-term, even when she was living in the moment.

To Every Single Mom Reading This

First, can I just say—you are doing an incredible job. Even on the days it doesn’t feel like it. You are carrying more than most people see, and God sees every single sacrifice you’ve made. But I also want to encourage you not to close your heart off entirely. Do not let fear or past hurt convince you that love is not for you. You deserve companionship and to be loved well. And your child deserves to witness what a healthy, God-honoring relationship looks like.

Ladies, eventually this man will take a higher place in your life than your child, but NOT before he becomes your husband. That alone should make you pay very close attention to how he treats your child/children — because the way he shows up for them before the ring tells you everything about how he will show up after it. Trust your child’s discernment too. Children pick up on things we talk ourselves out of feeling. I have seen it far too often — women letting their emotions and the belief that they are in love lead them to settle with men who abuse and disregard their children. And that is something I will never be okay with. So ask yourself the hard questions: Does he ask about your child unprompted? Does he show up for them without being told to? Or is your child an afterthought in this relationship?

Be very sober-minded. And please … get counseling when you’re ready to marry this person. There is no shame in it. In fact, it may be one of the most loving things you do for both yourself and your child. 

So my advice is to be prayerful and intentional. Don’t date out of loneliness… date with purpose. And never, ever lower your standards simply because you are a mom. If anything, your standards should be higher because you are not just choosing for yourself.

Final Thoughts

My journey as a single mother shaped me in ways I could not have predicted. It taught me strength I didn’t know I had, dependence on God I wouldn’t trade for anything and a love for my daughter that is one of the greatest gifts of my life.

Dating is not easy, but God is truly faithful. And I truly believe that when He sends the right person, all the years of praying, waiting and trusting will make perfect sense.

So hold on. Be patient. Keep your eyes on God. And protect your peace—and your child’s—at all costs. (Even if your child is completely unbothered and just wants you to be happy 😄)