Being the Other Woman

This is maybe one of the hardest blogs to post because this is never something any woman wants to accept and share; my mistakes, vulnerability and weakness. We women try our very best to appear to have it all together and never show our brokenness. But I am trying to accept that my life is not my own and everything that happened in my past can be used for God’s glory and I pray this will minister to the heart of someone.

I spent seven years being the ‘other woman’. I had no issue at all with it. It wasn’t a mistake neither was it something I was coerced into do. I chose it and I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Of course, no woman expects to stay in that position for so long but I had no expectations. As stated in a previous blog Diary of a Single Woman, men only served two purposes: sex and reproduction. Besides, when I entered the ‘situationship‘ I definitely wasn’t ready to reproduce. I was a good ‘matey’ though- I sent him home when he needed to, I wouldn’t call if he was around her and when she did find out that he was messing around, I denied it to make sure he didn’t get into trouble (pathetic right.. smh).

When being the ‘other woman’, many of our friends would glorify it too. I mean how many friends will say that being the ‘other woman’ is wrong? Besides, even if they do, most times they are doing the same thing too. Again, nothing seemed wrong about it. And that’s how life in SIN is like… Everyone in it accepts it. Think about it; fornication is accepted to the world, partying is the norm to the world, dressing half-naked is not wrong because many artistes sing about these things and many movies portray it. But the Word of God says, the road to destruction is so wide! (Matthew 7:13)

What is hidden though is the consequences of these sinful acts and decisions. No one talks about the harsh reality of being a single parent, no picture on facebook shows the many abortions done or the STIs contracted, no one talks about broken homes and heartaches of being betrayed when cheated on or when you party all weekend then can’t find fare to go to work the following week. Who sings about these things? Nobody.

Growing up in a society where common-law relationships have gotten legal status, teenage pregnancy rampant and almost acceptable, being a virgin is deemed non-existent, dressing half-naked is a norm and if you are not having sex then you are an outcast; the term ‘worth’ has gotten a new meaning. Your worth is determined by your level of education, the car you drive, the amount of money in your bank account, your job, your relationship status and this determines if you feel you are accepted by people.

Women can pretend all they want as if they are okay with their men having another woman as long as they are ‘wifey’  but it’s a Lie! You are not a wife, if he has not put a ring on that finger. All he is doing is playing both you and the other woman. Whether you are a teenage girl or an older woman, if you had any idea how precious you are and how much you are worth to God then you would not be comfortable having sex with a guy who is not committed to you. He says he loves you, but what does that mean exactly? When he verbally abuses you, physically abuses you and even if you think well that doesn’t go for me because we live together and he is good to me then what’s stopping him from marrying you. And please don’t tell me you don’t want to marry.. psshh (you can only fool yourself). That man will not commit or marry you because he isn’t sure if you are worth it. And if he has another woman it’s because you cannot fulfill his desires nor can you make him happy.

Now, don’t think I am any better than you because I am a Christian now and I have decided that I won’t have sex until I am married. The difference is, I’ve learnt over time how much I am worth to Jesus Christ, and if a guy doesn’t love God, then he is not capable of loving me. But that’s just me. What about you?

– Are you the other woman? If you are, then you are accepting that you are not worth anything but being second. And guess what? You are not even second because when you are the other woman; his job, his car, his children.. everything and everybody comes before you. You are merely there for sexual pleasure only. Once, the sex stops what other purpose do you serve? You may say but Crystal that’s all I want to be.. really now? We will say this over and over until we actually start convincing ourselves but deep down you wished that man was yours. And if you are with him just for his money then maybe that man isn’t the problem (it could be you).

– Are you the ‘wifey’? He lives at home with you and you take care of his every need, but you have still have not gotten the ring. I am sorry to say this, but that man is just not convinced that you are the one. So, all the promises he is making are just promises which can be broken at any time and when he does leave, you will spend the rest of your life regretting the time you invested in him.

It’s time to know your worth. God loves you so much that He sent His son to die for you, not saying a man should die to be with you but, he must be willing to give up something if you are worth anything to him. Ladies seem to be the ones who are usually compromising. How many single fathers are there? Yes, you have them, but according to the US Census data 82%  are single mothers. Our decision to be the other woman or accept ‘wifey’ which leads to pregnancy outside of marriage not just affects us when that man moves on, but it affects our children (fatherless) which contributes to so many social issues in our country now (crime, rape, suicide, teenage pregnancy).

It’s time to be wise… Please… We need to start making better decisions and stop allowing men to manipulate us with this love talk, material things and continuous broken promises.

I said this in my last blog and I will repeat:

I encourage you ladies to find your worth. It is in Christ! No man can make you feel as special or complete as a relationship with God makes you feel.

If we as women do not demand men to step up, then they won’t. If we provide for them, if we give them sex whenever, if we take on a man’s role, then he simply won’t have any reason to pull up his socks and do better. We need to start demanding our MEN to take their place back in our church, home and society. They (not all but most) obviously are not self-motivated enough to be better men, so we MUST demand it!

I don’t share this to condemn or judge anybody because, I spent many years doing the same thing. No amount of education, money or titles can teach you worth! I found my worth in Christ and; now that I am a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17), I try not to condemn myself and simply accept that without knowledge our people perish (Hosea 4:6) and since I know better now, I simply feel burden to share, encourage and empower women so we can love ourselves more and make better decisions that will impact our family and our society. Our decisions have consequences.

If you didn’t trod this path of being the “other woman” or “wifey”, don’t be judgmental either because as women we all face different issues and we must learn to encourage and pray for each other and not criticize and condemn one another.

God loves you so much… and I do too:-)

To God be the Glory****

Crystal